Something's gotta give....

I am getting to the point where something has got to give.

I am sick as a dog with the flu. Last time I had the flu was when swine flu was rampant about years ago. I'm not as sick as that, but I am sicker than I have been for a while. Haven't felt so queasy and muddle headed since I went through chemo three years ago.

I think I have been trying too hard to do everything I am being encouraged to do and want to do. My whole life can't be about eating and exercise. I've started a new job which I love and it is going to take me a while to learn all the ins and outs of it and get to know my 24 staff. I'm not there just to do a job, but to do a really good job. That means putting time and effort into it. And I can't do that while I'm sick and while I'm trying to work out how to get to a training session at 6.30pm when it's already after 5pm and people still want to see me and I have a heap of stuff in my in-tray to deal with and I need to get across to the other side of town to get to training.

And I'm not fitting in the things that I love like knitting and card making and just being with friends.

It's taken me a year to fall in love with exercise working with a personal trainer. And I'm losing that love because it is becoming more a chore, or a guilt inducing thing if I miss out on a session. And my personal trainer can't train folk any more for very good family reasons. So my main source of accountability has gone, but also has one of my key sources of energy for loving exercise.

And my running is all over the place because my hip is the problem and not my knee as I thought and it's going to take a lot of retrainin of my muscles and some visits to the ostepath to get that right again.

And I like the food. It's tasty and easy to prepare and is saving me a lot of money. But it is another thing that I now HAVE to do instead of want to do.

And so, I am slipping on the food (but sticking in the main to the 1200 calories) and slipping on the exercise.

I had already lost 12kg before I even though about starting the 12 WBT program. I've lost 6.3kg since. I can't complain it doen't work because clearly it does and all the great stories from people attest to that. But all I really wanted was to lose weight so I could be a good and safer runner and lear to run properly and for a distance so I could realise all my dreams.

But all I feel is guilt. And depressed. And sick. And considerable bone and muscle pain.

I think it's fine if all you want in your life is exercise and cooking but what about all the other things that balance life out and make it so much more enjoyable?

I need to work out what I can do to help me balance my life a lot more, or even a bit really, to regain my love of exercise, to organise myself much better so that I can cook food and freeze so it doesn't become an issue. I am going to find a new PT and have found someone who I think will be terrific and lives only one suburb away so am going to see her.

I am going to try and feel less guilty and more passionate about my life in all its myriad of component parts. And I am going to reconnect with some of my friends who make me feel positive and happy and loved.

Let's hope that's sufficient to restart my will to get through these 12 weeks in a transformational and positive way.